Dear Nene,

I read the response you gave to Leonila in the last issue of Munting Nayon, which prompted me to write you. I am Dutch married to a Filipina since 20 years ago. I met her when she came here for a short vacation with her relatives while she was also on a short vacation in Germany where her other relatives are staying. We got married after a long distance relationship of three years. We now have two children who are aged 15 and 12 years old.

My problem is the other way around compared to Leonila’s problem. My wife has a part-time work and earns money that is not enough for her personal needs. She does not have any savings at all; more often than not she has an overdraft on her bank account. Several times I was quite embarrassed to pay for money she borrowed from friends. Most of our arguments redound to money. For her, our money is always not enough for our needs but I do wonder since I have a colleague at the office who is also married with a full time housewife and three children who does not complain about finances. He has become my confidant and tells me that my wife and I need to talk things over before my problems become worst.

She was indeed spoiled by her family and then I did my share too because I admit that I have spoiled her with expensive gifts when I was courting her. I also liked the way she spoiled me with gifts but now I have known where she got all the money to pay for those gifts. She borrowed money and paid for them with the money I sent her because her job at that time could not support the extravagant ways she was spending money.

Most of the time, I also have spared her and our children of our financial problems by being solely responsible for all our financial obligations. I have spared them of our financial situation and I am now becoming afraid that our children are also becoming like her – irresponsible with money – and sooner I will have more financial problems in my hands. Sometimes I just feel that the pressure is just too much for me to be solely responsible for our financial problems.

What should I do?

Truly yours,

Willem



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Dear Willem,

As I have said in my response to Leonila, one of the most leading causes of conflict in families is money. It is a problem that cannot be solved alone; it has to be shared with the other family members who will equally be affected once the problem gets out of hand.

It seems that you have for a long time now carried the burden on your shoulder. It is about time to share the problem with them and you can do this by improving the ways you communicate with them. They may not fully know what is happening. Here are some tips that I hope will help you and your family slowly solve the problem.



Take time out to sit down make a simple report of your income and expenses. This will all show you a trend where the money you earn are spent on a monthly and a yearly basis or on a regular and periodic basis. Try to encourage your wife to make the same list out of her own income and for her to share it with the family too. You children can participate as well by showing how they spent the allowances you give them.

Next make a list which classifies the expenses into needs and wants which means wants are those expenses which can be avoided or postponed when money is already earned rather than having to borrow and pay for interest and surcharges. Needs are those that you cannot do without e.g. food clothes and utilities. Try to calculate the amount of money that you pay for the “wants” including the interests and surcharges that you could have avoided if you postponed buying them.

Encourage them to make comments and suggestions about how to improve the situation. You can do this through a brainstorming technique where you all listen to each other without giving any criticism until everyone is heard. Just list all the suggestions in a paper or preferably in a board where you all can see all the suggestions or comments. Then start crossing-out or erasing the ones that are not applicable to your problems until such time that you have found the right solutions or suggestions. You can further classify the solutions into short term and long-term solutions. Short term solutions would be those that you can do right away e.g. being very careful about your grocery list so that you purchase things that you really need and by not buying a lot of experimental products that end up in the garbage can. Long-term solutions can be those where you have a discussion on the priorities and schedule for buying the more expensive equipment e.g. a computer or for your wife to live within the boundaries of her income for things that she likes doing (attending parties as you have mentioned) and buying the clothes that she wants. You can request her to lessen her going to parties in such a way that your family money can afford it.

Include savings as a new item in your solutions. What are the ways by which you can save and what are its possible uses by the whole family? A long awaited vacation? House renovation? Try to encourage everyone to come up with ideas that will make everybody happy.



As I have mentioned to Leonila, try to negotiate that your family money is properly apportioned in such a way that there is some for today, some for tomorrow and some for capricious things.

regards,

Nene